I couldn't help but wonder....

Thu, 04 May 2006 13:49:26 GMT

it's going to be an intense summer and i am so ready for it. here are my summer plans:
1. Continue to work at SBUX
2. Take 2 Classes (GEN-ED that i've been putting off for three years)
3. Intern at Hands on Atlanta 20 hours a week!
4. Volunteer at the Georgia Aquarium twice a month.

I feel like I'm finally headed somewhere. I've taken things into my own hands and finally I don't feel like I'm just sitting still waiting for life to start.
It's a pretty fabulous feeling.

Hopefully I will also find time for the pool and maybe even a weekend trip or two.
One more final to go. Wish me luck!

Sun, 30 Apr 2006 05:18:08 GMT

Your Life Path Number is 8

Your purpose in life is to help others succeed

You are both a natural leader and a natural success. You are also a great judge of character.
You have a head for business and finance. You know how to make money.
A great visionary, you can see gold where other people see nothing.

In love, you are very generous - with gifts, time, and guidance.

You love to inspire people, but it can be frustrating when they don't understand your vision.
Great success comes easily for you. But so does great failure, as you are very reckless.
You are confident, and sometimes this confidence borders on arrogance.

What Is Your Life Path Number?

Sat, 15 Apr 2006 17:40:20 GMT

things are GLORIOUS.
just everything ever.

i love spring time.
i love my friends.
and i am happy.

thank you.

WHAT IF?

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 21:17:35 GMT

i graduate college in a year and cant get a job and have to work at starbucks and be homeless because i cant afford to pay both rent and the car payment?

Sun, 05 Mar 2006 04:52:23 GMT

i cant quite figure it out how this started or why it is but it seems that as of late I can do no wrong. no matter how many times i fuck up or what dumb thing i do or how irresponsibly i behave, everyone else makes excuses for me and i dont even have to waste time justifying it because by the time i realize that i behaved poorly everyone else has already been like "well.. you know.... " and then forgiven the disaster.

this is a small example but a very good one: i got offered a promotion at starbucks and so i decided to stay. i was supposed to work at intermezzo on friday and normally i would have gone in, worked my shift and then told them that i wouldn't be back in a very polite "thank you so much for this opportunity" sort of way. instead i was tired and bored and decided to stay up really late thursday night doing highly irresponsible things and then no called no showed for intermezzo. now besides the fact that i hate being disliked by anyone in the world even if i will never see them again this wasnt really a big deal. except that denise basically got me the job. so friday night everyones like "oh what happened to barbara" and against my advice she does not tell them i died and that she will need the rest of the weekend off. instead she tells them the truth at which point everyone was like "good for her" or "yeah i saw that coming" and one woman even assumed that i had actually called and told someone and they just forgot to tell everyone else.
i've known these people for five days and they are completely willing to ignore the fact that i am an asshole.
it amazes me.

this entry is pointless. i am merely killing time before i go out with some kids from work. do do do.

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 20:25:07 GMT

i am so friggin worn out by this last week. blah blah blah.

whatever. i need a nap. instead of another week working two jobs and being sleepy.
this spring break may be complete suck.

will have to do something to shake it up a bit.

i love this woman

Tue, 28 Feb 2006 05:16:50 GMT

if i could make myself be physically attracted to a woman it would be sarah vowell. she is my idol. i would marry her.

here's why:
"Alas, I see my initial worries about the current administration as the greatest betrayal in my whole life by my old pal pessimism. I attended the president's inauguration in 2001. When he took the presidential oath, I cried. What was I so afraid of? I was weeping because I was terrified that the new president would wreck the economy and muck up my drinking water. Isn't that adorable? I lacked the pessimistic imagination to dread that tens of thousands of human beings would be spied on or maimed or tortured or killed or stranded or drowned, thanks to his incompetence.

I feel like a fool. All those years of Sunday school, and still the apocalypse catches me off guard."

What I Have Been Up To.. like you care.

Wed, 22 Feb 2006 20:45:55 GMT

1. I put in my notice at starbucks today. starting march 6th i will no longer wear a green apron.
2. I got a job at Cafe Intermezzo downtown and started monday and continue on friday.
3. I have had way too much coffee like three days straight. I might actually die soon.
4. I finally bought the second book to hitchikers guide to the galaxy and started reading it in line at the bookstore. I will continue to read it after I finish this entry.
5. I spent 3 hours at the social security office getting a new SS card yesterday.
6. I missed ALL five classes yesterday.
7. Ive spent the last few days almost completely in my car. It is more of a wasteland than ever before.
8. I started planning ms. rachelles awesome bday party.
9. I've been listening to marc broussard like whoa.
10. I had lunch today with eva and colleen. Lovely to see them. Conclusion: This place is too small and chatty. Everyone knows everything.
11. Last tuesday i got my nose pierced. I love it.
12. I've spent too much time on myspace and facebook.
13. Ive been watching American Idol with all the fervor of an addict.
14. I have managed to completely destroy my room. It all started when I decided to rearrange. It got worse when I searched high and low for my passport. And it remains awful because I have little motivation.

Thats about it.
Have a lovely rainy day. I'll be at starbucks for basically the rest of the week so you know where to find me.

Sun, 19 Feb 2006 16:23:46 GMT

Advanced Global Personality Test Results

Extraversion	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	86%
Stability	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Orderliness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	30%
Accommodation	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Interdependence	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Intellectual	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Mystical	\|\|	10%
Artistic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Religious	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Hedonism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Materialism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Narcissism	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Adventurousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Work ethic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Self absorbed	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Conflict seeking	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	43%
Need to dominate	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%

Romantic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	76%
Avoidant	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Anti-authority	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Wealth	\|\|	10%
Dependency	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	50%
Change averse	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Cautiousness	\|\|\|\|\|\|	23%
Individuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	56%
Sexuality	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	70%
Peter pan complex	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Physical security	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Physical Fitness	\|\|\|\|	17%
Histrionic	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Paranoia	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	63%
Vanity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%
Hypersensitivity	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	83%
Female cliche	\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|\|	90%

Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com

Stability results were moderately high which suggests you are relaxed, calm, secure, and optimistic.

Orderliness results were low which suggests you are overly flexible, improvised, and fun seeking at the expense too often of reliability, work ethic, and long term accomplishment.

Extraversion results were very high which suggests you are overly talkative, outgoing, sociable and interacting at the expense too often of developing your own individual interests and internally based identity.

trait snapshot:

messy, disorganized, social, tough, outgoing, rarely worries, self revealing, open, risk taker, likes the unknown, likes large parties, makes friends easily, likes to stand out, likes to make fun of people, reckless, optimistic, positive, strong, does not like to be alone, ambivalent about chaos, abstract, impractical, not good at saving money, fearless, trusting, thrill seeker, not rule conscious, enjoys leadership, strange, loves food, abstract, rarely irritated, anti-authority, attracted to the counter culture

Tue, 14 Feb 2006 05:34:24 GMT

i just wanted to say that i am pretty sure that there are two shows on television corrupting our society.

parental control on MTV and that show where FLAVA FLAV has all these women competing for him. i think they should be competing not to sleep with him.

yes. again. i know you're pumped.

Tue, 31 Jan 2006 05:03:40 GMT

i feel like writing.. so maybe some retrospect nonsense will get that out of my system....

Fri, 27 Jan 2006 06:48:08 GMT

and put me to sleep.

i'm always in my head. constantly. if you ever ask me what i'm thinking and i say nothing i am lying. it's not always important. it's rarely consequential to anyone other than me. but it's always there. in interpersonal communications they call it the cognitive gap. people can speak less words than they can think. so what we hear and what we say takes up only a small amount of our brain energy. and the rest is free to do whatever it likes. mine swirls around and around constantly. lately it keeps coming back to how at peace i feel. logically i know there are things that should stress me out. i can list them. i don't make enough money to pay my bills sometimes. we need a third roommate. i graduate college in less than a year and a half and there are no plans for afterwards. not even close. not even a notion. but i can't even make that stuff bother me. really the only time i get a little anxious is when i worry that the people i base my life around will disappoint. but people do disappoint. we all do. and a wise person once said that you love who you love and that's all there is. and so i've been doing that. love that is conditional is not love at all. if the people you love are unreliable you accept that because you love them. and God knows that you have your own flaws but hopefully they love you. it is our imperfections that make us whole. and the last year has brought me that lesson a hundred times over. and i learned it the hard way--through tears and shouting and broken hearts. and i wish sometimes that my relationships had not been wounded in this way. hell, i've wished it a lot of the times. i've wished i hadn't said the mean things i said. i've wished i hadn't heard the hurtful words said back. i've wished i had returned phone calls i ignored. i've wished a hundred thousand times that it wasn't my first instict for so long to push people away. yes when i look back i would give anything to change some or all of those events. but it all brought me to where i am today. and when i look at that i know that i am the better for it all. i sound like oprah but i do believe that all the trials of the last year have allowed me to love in a more real, less superficial way.
there's another thing in the last year that made a long-lasting impact on who i am, what i stand for and where i'm going. and it's lame and it sounds absurd but it was my time at Cozzi Cafe. When I left, it broke my heart. Seriously. I never would have guessed that you could love a place so much. Yet, I have more perspective in the months since i've been gone. And my time there brought me many lessons. I loved what I did there. I loved working with people who cared, for people who cared. I loved leading. I loved the oppurtunity to work with something that wasn't fully molded yet. Like being given a piece of clay and permission to make it a vase. But I am young and I am untrained. And in the end it was guesswork and experimentation. And that is an amazing opportunity but it was more than should have been offered to me at the time. I learned so much--about myself, about management, about business, about people--but it was unfair to do that in an environment that really needed someone who already knew all of those things. I feel bad about that sometimes. Like maybe it could have worked if someone else had taken my spot. But in the end, I know that I did the best I could with the knowledge I had. And I am eternally grateful to Mike and Jen for not only the opportunity they provided but also the faith they had in me. I learned a lot while I was there but I've also learned an awful lot since I left. My life is drastically different. I don't stress much anymore. In a year I learned what it takes some people a lifetime to learn. You've got to pick your battles. And they better be wisely chosen because once you've picked it, you owe it to yourself to fight like hell. But most anything can be answered with a shrug of the shoulders and a "it's just..." "It's just coffee..." "It's just dishes..." "It's just money..." If this is reasonable response then it is the best one. So there aren't so many battles to fight. I play more. I sleep less but feel better rested. I've never been very impulsive. And I've always wanted to be. I feel like youth deserves a level of impulsiveness. I don't know why and it may not be related but the last months have been full of decisions that I would have overthought myself out of this time last year. Nothing destructive. Nothing detrimental to my well-being or the well-being of others. Just fabulous, fun things that would be destroyed with too much talk, too many thoughts. I make school too relevant to my life but there's this org comm theory that says that organizations do their best work at the brink of chaos. Right there on the edge between order and chaos, we find what it is we need to thrive. I love that theory. I want to write papers on it. Do case studies. Change its name to include mine. And I feel it applicable lately. I think that if we're doing this youth thing just right its a fine line we walk between utter chaos and rigid order.
One more thing happened last year that will forever affect my outlook and hopefully my actions. You all know what it was. And if you know me, you know it shook me to the core from the instant I found out. And to this day I find it unbelievable. I think about him all the time. And again wishing I'd been kinder and picked my battles more importanly. I still expect to see him around or at least to hear he is around. And yet... Time has always seemed infinite. We are young. Time is plentiful. If we don't do it today, we will certainly do it tommorrow or at the latest the next day. I still do this. All the time. I'm still too scared of what people might say or how I might look if i do something vulnerable. There was never anyone who made himself so vulnerable and who received so much love in return. I wish we could all learn from that. You never look foolish when you share yourself. I can't say that I have thrown away my inhibitions or torn down any walls but I hope to. I would love to wear my heart on my sleeve. If there were nothing else to remember him for (but theres so much) it would be his willgness to give his heart away. And to make it known to the world. I admire it and always will. Love is never regrettable. There is a line from RENT that nicole said once and it will stick with me always... "you always said how lucky we were that we were all friends, but it was us baby, we were the lucky ones"
If you've made it this far you are better person than me. I will probably never read this in its entirety.
Thank you guys for putting up with me through the rough patches. We'll make it worth it.

"I've got these friends.. some that I hardly know.. but we've had some times I wouldn't trade for the world... we chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go..."

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 15:39:17 GMT

i am about to do homework for a couple of hours. then work for a couple of hours. then hopefully play for a couple of hours.

BUT i drank two cups of coffee and am like crazy buzzed so i am going to work out some of that excess energy by writing in my LJ.

lalala. yeah except that i dont have anything exciting to tell. i need to get some people to be mean to me or something so that LJ has a purpose again. haha. whatever.

got called in to work a little early just now. YAY for money.

here are some nice song lyrics by a new discovery of mine matt pond pa
"And one day we will die
And our ashes will fly from the aeroplane over the sea
But for now we are young
Let us lay in the sun
And count every beautiful thing we can see
Love to be
In the arms of all I'm keeping here with me "

to homework i go

Thu, 19 Jan 2006 01:04:02 GMT

so interview went well. theyre going to call next week and we'll figure out a schedule i think.
hopefully.

i have had FOUR days off. i have not been to work since i left saturday at 8:00pm. how ridiculous is that? i am lucky to be alive seeing as work is like oxygen to me. it has been quite lovely though. just hanging out with my lovely friends. and not really doing much else.
i didnt go to class yesterday because it was raining. i really dont go to class in the rain. thats not a joke or even an exaggeration. it is something i deeply oppose.

i have nothing interesting to say on here. or in general really.
but i am happy and things are good. so we'll leave it at that. have a lovely night ladies and gents.
american idols on.

oh my guiltiest pleasure!

Wed, 18 Jan 2006 18:34:26 GMT

wish me luck!
i have an interview at CAPERS this afternoon.

oh picture me.. as a server.. serving. yes it could be lovely.
i love you guys.

Mon, 16 Jan 2006 19:21:31 GMT

pajama party pics are here. next party already in the works with a theme already chosen. thanks for the fun times kids.

Party

Sat, 14 Jan 2006 15:14:33 GMT

just in case you guys are coming and i havent talked to you--

the theme tonight is PAJAMA PARTY

so wear your pjs.

it'll be a blast!

Wed, 11 Jan 2006 20:06:13 GMT

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 02:18:44 GMT

christmas was...a holiday.
new years was fantastic. talked to my five favorite people in the world within the first half hour. doesn't get better than that.
scored a house sitting job this week-- 200 bucks. bam.
spent lots of time with patrick, denise and rachelle as of late.
also meredith. obviously.
also saw tyler, laura, others.

work is good.
looking for second job to make a little more money. preferably something insanely easy like answering phones or something harder but fun like a waitressing/hostessing job. let me know if you know of anything.
am pimply like a teenager.
sad about that.

other than that life is swell.

also have room available at house if anyones interested. rents around 425ish. that covers utilities including cable internet.

back on extraordinary diet. will be itsy bitsy by summer. or will throw self from cliff.
blah blah blah.

thanks for a pretty decent 2005. here's to a stellar 2006.

Mon, 26 Dec 2005 05:51:00 GMT

I’m the icing on the cake
I’m the secret ingredient you’re missing
I’m the sidewalk but I’m not complete
And I’m the reason that baby, you’re trippin
Ohh decisions you didn’t make
I’m the chance you chose, not to take
And I’m the one you wish you were kissing
Pray for clear skies tonight
You better start wishin

yup.

Sat, 24 Dec 2005 06:26:47 GMT

i am a big ol' crankfest at this moment. i am overly sensitive. and somehow although not a perfectionist always hurt when other people find my (numerous) mistakes. bllllllllleeeeeeeeeeeeeeggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhh..

Thu, 22 Dec 2005 01:32:58 GMT

i am at nicoles stepdads house in canton.
nicole made me frozen pizza.

i dont really feel like working tommorow.
but i will nonetheless.

little so say really.

alas.

love you all.

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 01:17:29 GMT

i am not really feeling this holiday season. i dont really know what christmas is supposed to make me feel-- i think for most people its about family. but im pretty disconnected from my family. they don't get me. some of them dont even seem to like me sometimes. and yet still take credit for all that i do worth mentioning-- which as of late is very litte-- but still.
and presents arent really happening this year. and even if they were theres not anything i want really. just text books.
speaking of text books 3 B's 1 A this semester. pretty routine for me. college doesnt get enough of my attention. so i get what i deserve. and those grades are nothing to bitch about.

back to my point--
i am as i said previously at a very great place in life. all i mean by the above is that this great place is not at all related to the holidays. and thats a little sad.

i have been thinking about new years resolutions.. i have gotten no further then "get all a's" and "get skinny and hot so that boys will like me-- and i will still not like any of them back because all guys are dickheads-- even ones who are just your friends-- but at least this way i will know that they like me.."

sounds like a promising year, eh?

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 22:59:08 GMT

one more test to take.
then im done.
thats it for tests and papers and bullshit for like 3 weeks.
thank god.
i feel creativity building up inside of me pleading to be used and i keep going no creativity no. it is smart time now. but tommorow and the next and the next no more smarts for me.. for a few weeks!!!

i think i only want to have like 10 friends... because anytime it gets over that at least one of them turns out to be suck. its like i get too busy to notice-- hey you're a prick. and so im like lalala im so happy. my friends are so great. and then theres that prick explosion.
oh well.
at least im mighty well practiced in the art of cut and run.

still love the rest of you guys.
especially meredith.
for real.
not just because you get mad that i dont mention you in my lj.

lots of love.

Sun, 11 Dec 2005 06:34:03 GMT

hello lovelies,
not to brag, but my life is fantastic. and i say this not because it is 1 am and i am high on caramel macchiatos but because it is just a true statement.
i just can't get over what a great place i am in right now. there is little to say about happiness. much more is to be said bemoaning some dumb guy, or a bad boss, or dissappointing friends... and so lately i have less to say. because really how many times can i tell you guys how happy you make me? how happy i am. if i believe in nothing else i believe in destiny and i think happiness is the true sign of being on the right track. of being headed where you're meant to go. and i think its proof that sometimes you dont get what you want and you have to do hard things but in the end these are the things that make us who we are-- that get us where we're meant to be. and you can plead and you can fight but in the end.. it is what it is.. and if you're very lucky you're headed to somewhere quite lovely.

in other news denise and i had lots of rotondo time this weekend and there is no more fantastic group of people.
work was swell tonight-- i do enjoy it.. i dont care if its silly and pays like a dollar.
the caffeine is wearing off. thank the lord. i was worried id be up all night.

well again-- much love to you guys.

<3